View From the Bridge

Here you will find periodic articles written to inform, challenge, educate and encourage. We hope you will find something of value that will help you move forward in your journey.

 

Current Editorial:

 

Who Runs Your Life?
by
Dr. John Baldwin

Part One

This started out to be a short article, a few hundred words, to offer some simple insights into a concept I've been developing for decades called "Blending." It builds on a brief description of the inner-Child, Adult and Shadow as 3 parts of the self. Brief? Right! Well, that's not going to happen. I soon realized, with the help of my colleagues, that this deserved more time and attention to develop. Not wanting to present too long an article (since the average person spends 8 seconds on a web page before moving on), I decided to break it into installments. I hope you will be patient as I add content every month or two until it is complete. My hope is that the article, when read in it's entirety, will give you some very real tools for better understanding you. I also hope you will use the information to empower yourself, and to make truly informed decisions for your life; to live proactively rather than reactively. To live in freedom rather than in fear.

As we begin a new year, I will bring new articles in the months ahead. Here's a general idea of what will be covered:

• Everyone experiences Wounds to the Self. What does this mean and how do these wounds affect us? Is there any value to Wounds?

• How do we Survive these Wounds? Do they go away in time? What is their cost to our present day life?

• What are Triggers? How do we know when they are occurring? What do they mean? What is their gift?

• What can we do to thrive, and not just Survive? What keeps us stuck, repeating the same mistakes, feeling the same upsetting feelings over and over again?

• A look at the person in 3 parts: Child, Adult and Shadow.

• What is Blending, and what does it look like in everyday life? How does it impact us?

• How can we achieve lasting, permanent change and not just temporary relief from symptoms? What does this have to do with reaching real Dreams, Goals and living out our life Passions?

So let's get started.

Wounds to the Self

When we are born, we are pure Child. Apart from what many Christians believe is the inherited sin nature as a result of the fall of Adam and Eve, we are innocent Child, hungry to learn, to explore, to experience. As we grow and take our place in the world, hurtful events occur throughout our development, for all of us. While there are varying degrees of woundedness in people's lives, everyone experiences these wounds to the self. It is extremely important that we learn to admit this to ourselves, and take responsibility for identifying and understanding what our wounds are. While this may be apparent to most readers, it has been my experience that many patients who walk through my door at first deny that anything of significance has happened to them in childhood. Our early work often begins by trying to get all the pieces of the puzzle of their life up on the table. It seems important, and a relief, when I assure them the purpose is not to bash or blame their parents or anyone else, even though very hurtful events may have occurred in those relationships. Carefully turning over the puzzle pieces of our lives allows us to understand what has impacted our life up to this point, so we can take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings and actions and make far better, more informed choices. This process also positions us to be able to forgive -- in a meaningful way. Important, since in my mind forgiveness is the final stage of healing.

Throughout this series, we will follow Sam, a hypothetical person, yet someone we most likely encounter every week. Growing up, Sam's father spent very little time with his son, and also neglected to affirm him or give physical touch that was safe and nurturing. Sam's father was not only emotionally absent, but verbally critical and harsh, and at times lost his temper and was physically abusive. In fact, he was raising Sam much as he himself had been raised. Sam's father taught him, "You have to learn to be tough, outperform your competition and trust no one." While Sam looked great on the outside, an unconscious but "intentional" posturing on Sam's part, inside he had a deep distrust and fear of others. Sam experienced the world as an unsafe place. This emotional isolation (outwardly Sam was smooth and engaging) left him lonely, sometimes depressed and secretly craving connection. Sam's relationship with his father left significant wounds.

Strangely, these wounds to the self actually bring a necessary benefit as a byproduct. They help the growing child develop a degree of psychological toughness, an ability to deal with frustration, disappointment and pain. This is an important life skill, since "life is difficult" as Scott Peck reminds us in the opening words of his powerful book, The Road Less Traveled. Whether it's the toddler bumping her head on the table corner and learning there are things in the world that hurt, or Sam being neglected and abused by his father and having to find some way to "survive" that trauma, both children are strengthened in a strange, sometimes tragic, yet important way. They learn there is pain in the world, along with pleasure, and they must find a way to manage it. Unfortunately, some ways of "managing" are more costly and less healthy than others. The ultimate problem (among others) arises when these methods of survival outlive their necessity and usefulness. Like the soldier discovered hiding, surviving, deep in the jungle on a Pacific island years after WW II is over, who does not yet know the war is over, we often continue using survival behaviors long after they were needed, and don't know it.

 

Next time we'll explore this issue of Survival, what it looks like and what it costs us. Until then, let me encourage you to spend some time reflecting very honestly about the Wounds in your life. It isn't about blaming anyone. It's about understanding yourself, and choosing to take greater responsibility for your life. Knowing your core wounds intimately is actually good news. Why? Consider this quote by Agnes Whistling Elk: "Remember it is what you choose not to observe in your life, that controls you."

 

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Below are past offerings. Enjoy them too.

 

Greetings . . .

I'm on a journey. How about you? It takes me many places. Outside I find different people who fascinate me, scare me, love me, hate me, offend me, need me, anger me, move me and forgive me. Inside I'm discovering a man who deeply needs others, in spite of years of attempted self-sufficiency. A man who loves passionately, from a deep heart. A man who fears abandonment, but will not abandon himself. A man who has strong beliefs and values, a heritage from ancestors. A man who is moved deeply by music, poetry, art, nature and a thousand other things. A man who misses his father. A man who too briefly knew his mother, and she her son. A man who tries to love God with all his heart, soul and mind . . . and often fails. And a man who deeply loves his wife and sons . . . and often fails.

I am very grateful to David Whyte. First, for his generosity in giving permission to publish one of his beautiful and powerful poems. Second, for the poem itself. It obviously comes from the depths of a man who is on his own journey, no stranger to life. No passive traveler, but one who drinks from the well. Thank you David, for the gift of your self.

So how's your journey coming along? More important than where you are on the road is that you are clearly on it. We're all on it. No way to avoid that. What are you doing with what you see, inside and out? For years I only wanted to see certain things. I did not want to "turn down through its black water to the place we cannot breathe." I was scared, chose to stand on the edge of life and indeed throw coins down into the well, wishing. Got me safety of sorts, nothing more.

Oh, I wanted to taste, and taste I did from my deep heart as best I could. But only those things that did not smack of pain, risk or vulnerability. My wounds were deep, at the bottom, along with all the coins I kept throwing from time to time hoping I wouldn't have to drink from those waters. But I never knew "the secret water, cold and clear" either. I didn't want to "slip beneath the still surface of the well of grief." I suppose I was afraid I would drown in the ache, or choke on what I might find. I did not.

What I have found is cool, clear water, just below that black whirlpool of grief. What's it taste like? Well, sometimes it has the flavor of peace and relief, from coming clean with what's true about me. Can't change what's happened in my life, only how I respond to it. Sometimes I'm left with mystery or a touch of sobering pain, knowing it may be my companion for life. Usually it's people. Extraordinary people, plain people, people wounded far more than me and people who have known very little grief. They each have a gift for me. Sometimes it's hope. A growing knowledge that I can navigate any waters with enough support up at the rim. Sometimes those who love me actually jump in with me! They help with the turbulence, encouraging me and accepting my clumsiness . . . there are many new places I haven't been before. And yet, the more I "turn downward" the more familiar the place becomes. It's my well, my grief, and returns to me my life. It is my truth, and it sets me free. And for me, it is God who is the Author of this mysterious design, whom I have come to trust with my very being. And I am increasingly thankful for those He places along my path whose arms and legs provide the skin of God I so often and deeply need.

What's in your Well of Grief? Have you looked? You can be afraid. I was. Still am. Will be. But look I must. After all, it's my life, the only one I will ever have. And for me, I treasure my truth. I value my pain as much as my pleasure. It all belongs to me. It is my heritage, and all of it helps me feel alive and vital and free. I can love and be loved much more. And I am learning to not be afraid of speaking the truth about me . . . to you.

 

Dr. John Baldwin is founder and Clinical Director of The Baldwin Center for Psychological Services, Ltd. in Bannockburn, Illinois. In addition to loving his wife and two adult sons, he tries to keep a yellow tennis ball inside the white lines longer than his opponent. Such is life. 

"The Well of Grief" from Where Many Rivers Meet by David Whyte. Copyright © 1990 by David Whyte. Reprinted by permission of David Whyte and Many Rivers Press, Langley, WA. (see davidwhyte.com)